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31 August 2010 @ 02:27 am
Wow. WTF. I'm sorry I fucking just got a new fucking job and have to socialize, but  HOLY FUCK. I do not wanna come home to a fucking fight. I thought you were better than that. I thought you knew you had me. I thought you knew I wasn't going anywhere. All I fucking want is you. But if you're gonna get all jealous every fucking time I go out I am gong to DUMP YOU. If I don't start going out with these people I am going to look like a fucking retard. So get used to it. It's gonna fucking happen. I m drunk as fuck right now and I don't give a fuuuuuck.

03 January 2010 @ 12:12 am
Wow. Just talked to Matt on fb for like 2 hours. I am the happiest person alive.

I'm so glad he finally contacted me. He's coming to see me at wok tomorrow. :D
Fuck, I'm too giddy to write anymore.
More tomorrow.
Current Mood: giddygiddy
08 February 2009 @ 01:16 am
What do you do when you don't know what to do anymore?
It's hard to deal with someone when they're like a time bomb waiting to go off.
C'est la vie.
05 December 2008 @ 11:44 am
So, It'll be a year. In 9 days. Wow. I don't even know what to say. I never thought I;d be in a relationship this long. I mean, I went so fucking long without anybody, and then all of a sudden I found someone, and wouldn't let go. Even when he hurt me more than I've ever been hurt in my life...I still love him.
Which is confusing. Because you'd think that would make me hate him. And it does, in a way. Maybe that's why we still argue so much. I dunno. I try to trust him. I try so hard. But I can't let myself, because I never trusted him in the beginning, and then he begged me to trust him, gave me a ring. I though it was for real. But no. He took the trust I gave to him a shattered it into a million little pieces. I'm still scrambling around trying to pick up all those pieces and duct tape them back together. But I feel like I'll never be able to find them all.
It doesn't matter who I'm with, whether it's him or anyone else. Because of what he did to me I will never be able to trust in a realtionship. And isn't that what they're built on? Trust? Hah.
A year. In nine days. wow.
Current Mood: cynicalcynical
05 September 2008 @ 06:36 am
I'm rich.
$100, 000 richer.
My father didnt have a will. So, by law, all of what he had goes to me, being his only child and all.
It's funny, how after all these years, he gives me 100 thou. Well, thats nothing compared to what he should've given me. He should've been a father to me. He shouldn't have done what he did to my mother, Or to me, for that matter. He should've taken responsibility and thought about someone other than himself, FOR ONCE. I just wish I could've had that someone to call daddy. You know, to be "daddy's little girl."

But that's something I will never be. He never cared about me. Not even the day I was born. He wanted nothing to do with me.
Yeah, he's dead. So fucking what? He never cared about me, so I don't give two shits that he's dead. And the money? somehow, I don't think even a hundred thou could make up for everything he did to me, not to mention what he put my mother through, which was 10 times worse. Don't get me wrong, it's nice, but...ahhhh I don't know.

Well, you only live once...
And some people never even see a hundred thou in a whole lifetime.
So I count myself very lucky.
I plan to go on a HUUUGE shopping spree.
08 August 2008 @ 05:43 pm
They only want you when you're seventeen...
Well. I'm no longer 17. People keep asking me, how does it feel to be 18? Honestly, it feels no different than yesterday,
I've waited since I was a little girl for this day, waited to be an adult and be able to make my own decisions. Now, all I want is to be that little girl again. Nieve, innocent, happy. I want to be 3 again, putting band-aids on stuffed animals. It sucks when you learn that band-aids dont fix everything, and mommy can't always kiss it better. When you learn that the world isn't as big as it once seemed, and not nearly as beautiful. When the years start to feel more like months instead of decades.
I think this year is going to be a major turning point for me. I think by my next birthday I will be only a shadow of what I am now.
I never want to lose that sense of wonder I had as a child.
I never want to lose that sense of joy.
In this odd transition from child to "ädult," I find myself quite afraid.
Afraid of whats to come.
Afraid of things I've done.
Afraid of things I may do,
I'm afraid of the mistakes.
I'm afraid of the challenges.
I guess I'm just plain afraid.
I don't want to grow up. I want to jump in lakes, catch frogs, pursue butterflies. I want to fall off the monkey bars and scrape my knees. I want to look forward to things again.
When I was young, it seemed there was so much to discover, everything was so facinating. As I started to learn more and more, less and less of it interested me as much. Nothing seems as exciting anymore.  The world was such a huge, beautifl place. Now I just feel like I'm only waiting to get old and die.
I wish I could stay 17 forever.
Unfortunately, nothing is forever.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Speeding Cars - Imogen Heap
Graduation [Friends Forever]

And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives
Where we're gonna be when we turn 25
I keep thinking times will never change
Keep on thinking things will always be the same
But when we leave this year we won't be coming back
No more hanging out cause we're on a different track
And if you got something that you need to say
You better say it right now cause you don't have another day
Cause we're moving on and we can't slow down
These memories are playing like a film without sound
And I keep thinking of the night in June
I Didn't know much of love, but it came too soon
And There was me and you, and then it got real blue
Stay at home talkin' on the telephone and
We would get so excited, we'd get so scared
Laughing at our selves thinking life's not fair
And this is how it feels

As we go on, we remember
All the times we had together
And as our lives change, from whatever
We will still be, friends forever

So if we get the big jobs and we make the big money
When we look back now, will that joke still be funny?
Will we still remember everything we learned in school?
Still be trying to break every single rule
Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man?
Can Heather find a job that won't interfere with her tan?
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
And this is how it feels

Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?
Can we survive it out there? Can we make it somehow?
I guess I thought that this would never end
And suddenly it's like we're women and men
Will the past be a shadow that will follow us round?
Will these memories fade when I leave this town
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly

I will forever miss all of you. You're all going on with your lives without me, and it makes me so sad that I'm never going to see any of you again. All the drunken/stoned/fucked up nights, all the cracked out mornings, all the inside jokes, and all the awesome times made for memories I will NEVER forget.
I thought we'd be together forever, guys. I really really did. I thought nothing would ever change and we would always be friends forever. Now I'm realizing that nothing is forever. And it's depressing.
So, before I start balling my fucking eyes out, I'll sum this up.
BHP FOR LIFE MOTHERFUCKERS!! From 05-07 we were the best of friends. And then things started changing. Regardless, I will always remember you guys as the best fucking friends I ever had, and I'm so sad to be losing all of you at once.

This is my grad write up. I wish I wrote one, but I didn't, so here it is:
4 years...gone. Why don't I remember any of them?
Haha great times at CB, or rather, pretending to be at CB *winkwink*
"Mr. Johnson, coming 'cross the parking lot.
He's gonna get those skippers caught
And stop us all from smoking pot"
Smoking section junkie forever
BHP for life
Awesome times with awesome people
Current Mood: depressedSaddened
11 June 2008 @ 11:14 pm
I'm listening to Chevelle. It is amazing. I heart them.
you know what I don't heart? Stupid little girls. I hate them. They're stupid.
Current Music: Comfortable liar - chevelle.
27 April 2008 @ 07:22 pm
As life goes on I’m starting to learn more and more about responsibility
I realize everything I do is affecting the people around me
So I want to take this time out to apologize for things I have done
And things that have not occurred yet
And the things they don’t want to take responsibility for

I’m sorry for the times I left you home
I was on the road and you were alone
I’m sorry for the times that I had to go
I’m sorry for the fact that I did not know
That you were sitting home just wishing we
Could go back to when it was just you and me
I’m sorry for the times I would neglect
I’m sorry for the times I disrespect

I understand that there are some problems
And I am not too blind to know
All the pain you kept inside you
Even though you might not show
If I can't apologize for being wrong
Then it’s just a shame on me
I’ll be the reason for your pain and you can put the blame on me

I miss you so much...I'm so sorry.

Current Mood: gloomygloomy
21 April 2008 @ 03:46 pm
So he cheated on me. I should break up with him, right? Well, not exactly.
Why do I always think I can fix everyone.
Why do I always give people more chances than they deserve.
Why do I feel like it's all my fault.
The things that bother me most:
He fucked 3 other people - Sam Ruse, Kendra, Other Sam.
He kissed 2 other people - Jen Bailey, Cassie-Marie Wood.
Sam Ruse and Cassie are LITTLE FUCKING GIRLS.
15 and 14.
He didn't use a condom. once.
He says he got checked.
I doubt if I believe it. He's such a fucking liar.
I hope they all get warts.
I know he gave them to me. and they appeared exactly 3 months later.
I am going to kick the shit out of sam ruse.
Current Mood: angrygonna kill a bitch
Current Music: Send The Pain Below - Chevelle